Adam Lallana withdraws from England squad with “fractured body” after Jones attack


(Photo: Caught Offside)

Adam Lallana, as you may have noticed, was substituted at half time during Liverpool’s match with Manchester United on Sunday. The former Southampton man and current goat impersonator was fairly anonymous during the first half, barring one glaring miss that he should have dispatched, so even if he hadn’t been violently assaulted by the monster that is Phil Jones there’s every chance he would’ve been taken off anyway. Though it appeared he had been taken off as a precaution, as well as the fact he was unable to breath, it has since emerged that Lallana has withdrawn from Roy Hodgson’s latest England squad.

The official reason for his withdrawal is a groin strain, but we here at The Banter Narrative have been informed that this is by no means the case. The actual reason for Lallana’s withdrawal is, according to a source within the FA’s medical team who wishes to remain anonymous, “a fractured body”. According to the source, “The midfielder suffered a continuous fracture throughout his entire body, running from his baby toe to his inner ear after the flying headbutt that Phil Jones delivered to him without hesitation. We’ve never seen anything like it before.”

Though the midfielder tried to bring charges against the Manchester United defender for the vicious act, this was quickly rebuffed. “This is what happens when you don’t fully commit to a header, it’s no grounds for conviction,” said a Merseyside police officer laughing to himself.

Sources close to Lallana’s camp say he’s beyond traumatised over the incident which resulted in injuries “more akin to those suffered during an earthquake, or through decompression sickness”. For his part in the incident, Jones is said to have sustained a small bruise the exact shape of Lallana’s terrified soul just under his eye.

Our prayers go out to Adam Lallana at this time.

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