You may or may not know but over a hundred years ago this weekend, Jesus died. His death left many very upset, none more so than his followers who took their grief and used it to start a religion called Christianity. They also used their grief to write the craziest book of all time – the Bible! In this Bible it stated that due to the fact that the son of God died so we could all sin forever, he would eventually return.
Upon his return the world will end and he’ll bring all the good folks back to heaven (or home as he calls it) with him. Some speculate though that Jesus may have already returned and is simply living among us. We at The Banter Narrative have come to believe that the form he may have taken is quite an unexpected one; that of an average footballer. Here are a few of the potential reincarnations of Jesus H. Christ.
Greening, formerly of Manchester United, has all the hallmarks of a Jesus like character from the offing. He has the long, luxurious hair and accompanying beard. According to former teammates, he also has a habit of calling every “my son” and is a dab hand at carpentry. Add to this the fact that he doesn’t have a biological father and there’s every chance Mr. Greening could be our Lord in disguise.
Ah, Lorenzo. The good Catholic boy who ended up playing for Protestant giants Rangers. What would your father say? Amoruso was once an incredibly handsome man, as can be seen in the picture. In more recent years however he has begun to morph into Tancredi Palmeri, in what can only be described as a curse from the gods (his angry father perhaps?) themselves. His main second coming credentials are the fact that he loves fish and especially loaves of bread, as can be seen by his aforementioned body change. Sadly, unlike our Lord, Lorenzo fucking hates lepers, to the point that he throws up at the very mention. Maybe best looking elsewhere.
Who? Lionel Perez, best known in wider footballing circles for conceding that chip against Eric Cantona. He spent two years at Sunderland before making a shock move to rivals Newcastle. Nothing holy or deity-like there, I hear you say. Well what about him leaving Newcastle for Cambridge United and taking a 95% pay cut?! Surely it’s not hyperbole to suggest such generosity hadn’t been since Jesus himself roamed the Earth on the back of his trusty dinosaur steed all those decades ago. Add to this the fact that Perez’ father is named Godfrey and we have a few too many coincidences I think you’ll agree. Perez was unable to be reached for comment, hiding something perhaps?
Yes, Abel Xavier. And if you’re the kind of person he thinks a black Jesus is any more ridiculous a concept than a white Jesus then turn your head away, slap yourself hard, leave and never come back here again. The evidence towards Xavier being Jesus’ second coming is hard to look past. First off, the guy’s a trailblazer! Much like Jesus’ introduced sexy robes and muscles and cool long hair to his people (who had previously all worn plain old dirty loin cloths), Xavier introduced the world to the insane peroxide blond afro Mohawk. Secondly, he used to have a pet lizard called Lazarus who died. Xavier, using his microwave, brought Lazarus back from the dead. I must add, this was for a very short time, within seconds Lazarus exploded into millions of bits in the said microwave. Perhaps the one drawback from this particular suggestion is that Xavier runs his own religion already, called Xavierism. According to their doctrine, written by him, “All Christians who do not repent and bow to Xavier will die a painful, peroxide death.” Okay, so he’s definitely not it.
These are just a few of the average footballers who may, or may not, be the second coming of Jesus Christ, our Lord and saviour. Do you like the suggestions? Does our candour shock you? Is Jesus even real? Yes. Yes. No.
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