Sepp Blatter has been described as many things during his life – scumbag, greasy thug, evil cunt, the list goes on. At times his levels of brazen corruption as well as his ominous European accent and dark, vacuous eyes have made him appear more like an old timey vaudeville villain than a football administrator.
It would appear though that this is not a coincidence, as in the last couple of hours Sepp Blatter, as we know him, has outed himself. Just hours after his latest shameful stunt, this time involving fellow melodramatic villain Vladimir Putin, he shocked the world by confirming he is in fact a performance artist, revealing his true identity and going some way to explaining the decades of corruption and damage to football he has caused. In an interview from his home in Switzerland tonight the president of FIFA revealed that his real name is in fact Cecil Q. D’Amour and that he is a career performance artist.
Born to peasants in the sleepy hamlet of Koonth, D’Amour’s father pushed his son to follow him in the coal business. His father wasn’t a miner, but in fact a coal cleaner. Many of the country’s aristocracy considered their coal too dirty so wanted it cleaned before it reached them. But he knew that for all its qualities, coal cleaning wasn’t his passion, so after a year as his father’s apprentice, Cecil ran away to Zurich to join the acclaimed School of Deception and Performing Arts. He paid his way through school by blackmailing his salacious fellow students as well as his lecturers, something he admits prepared him well for his future performance piece.
He revealed that the Blatter persona became of interest to him while seeing Joao Havelange Bond villain his way around the football world. D’Amour felt that he could create a more overtly evil and camp version of Havelange to properly skewer the social injustice he felt was rife among football’s governing body. “After watching these men do what they did in broad daylight, I wondered what I could get away with,” said D’Amour. “I’m the greatest of them all. In the name of art, I have eclipsed all before me and reinvented the meaning of corruption in sport. Of course, I always kept a bit of that stage bravado with me, that touch of pageantry, and I think it’s served me well.”
Asked whether he went too far in handing the World Cups of 2018 and 2022 to oppressive regimes, D’Amour was aghast at the suggestion. “This whole piece was merely a social commentary and one which looks at the world which so happily harbours such corruption. I was simply pushing the boundaries of acceptability. A totalitarian leader and an oppressive regime built on a system of slaves, it’s almost Orwellian in its beauty, don’t you think?”
When it was put to him what he might do with the rest of his career, D’Amour was unsure. “I ache for the stage darling. But it is my true goal to attempt to stage a World Cup in ISIS occupied Syria. That would be my Citizen Kane.”
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