Pundits agree to continue referring to players as “unknown quantities” rather than learn anything about them

Sky Sports pundits delight after agreeing to continue referring to players as “unknown quantities”.

A group of high profile football pundits representing their fellow pros met yesterday evening and agreed in principle to continue the practice of referring to players as “unknown quantities” rather than actually learn anything about them. It is believed the landmark agreement will have absolutely no effect on current football broadcasting.

The meeting was arranged due to a growing number of calls for pundits to become more educated on the game they are paid handsomely to speak about.

But the pundits, led by their ring leaders Graeme Souness, Phil Thompson and Paul Merson, felt that no changes were needed in the way they operate, and that things would go on as normal.

“How we can be expected to know about these player is beyond me,” said Merson. “Why should I know the attributes of some lad playing on a Wednesday in the back arse of nowhere? I played for Arsenal.”

While some social commentators have applauded these pundits for meeting and discussing the issue, many will be dismayed at the manner in which the decision was made, but Graeme Souness said that shouldn’t be the case.

“What people don’t seem to realise is that calling a player an ‘unknown quantity’ is perhaps even more descriptive than actually describing him with accuracy. It paints quite the picture in your mind’s eye.”

The decision was welcomed by pundits all across Britain with Jamie Redknapp especially happy with the news.

“This will give us the chance to focus more on the quality shiny screens and bland platitudes that we’re known for. I also don’t think people appreciate how long it takes me to perfect my understanding face before we go live,” he said.

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