Over the last number of weeks we at The Banter Narrative have received letter after letter concerning Newcastle caretaker manager John Carver. At first we ignored these allegations and moved on.
However, the public deserves to know, and who better to complete a thorough investigation than your most trustworthy news source? So, while our candour and the topic at hand may shock and disturb you, it’s for the good of the fans, nay, the people of Newcastle that we must get to the bottom of a potential controversy threatening to take over and destroy the club from the inside out.
So sit down, ring your mother and tell her you love her, then take the phone off the hook, as we get to the bottom of the north-east’s deepest, darkest question – is John Carver actually a pug in disguise? Here is the evidence…
AN INABILITY TO COMMUNICATE CLEARLY WITH HIS HUMAN PLAYERS
The first piece of evidence offered to us and a real give away. Unlike most humans, Carver seems completely unable to get even the simplest message across to his players, regardless of how much he barks from the sideline. This really is classic dog behaviour. Some players have even reported the manager whining on the bench, while his frustration at his human colleagues being unable to understand him often manifests itself in a grumpy pug face on the sideline.
HE STARTS FIGHTS WITH TALLER “PEOPLE”
Another dead giveaway. Carver clearly has small-dog syndrome, called small-man syndrome in humans. This was displayed at the weekend as the little canine attempted to fend off two large Newcastle fans by returning a threat to them. Dogs, especially small ones like pugs, know only to fight back. While it is an admirable quality in a guard dog, you don’t want your manager starting fights with every living entity that’s taller than him.
COMMUNICATES TO THE MEDIA IN NONSENSICAL CLICHÉS
“But he can speak, how can he be a pug?” I hear you cry. C’mon people, have you never seen YouTube? Have you never seen those dogs say “I love you” to their owners?! Carver may be a pug, that doesn’t mean he has to be a stupid one. He has clearly been taught some basic sounds which resemble football phrases. Either that or he is fed peanut butter before interviews and there’s someone speaking into his mic from a hidden location.
HE IS OCCASIONALLY CHEEKY BUT ULTIMATELY OBEDIENT TO HIS HUMAN MASTER
Like all pugs, and other dogs, Carver occasionally strays over the line of acceptable behaviour. He acts out of line when he feels he has been treated harshly, sometimes to the point of seeming an independent, even noble dog. But inevitably his reliance upon his master Mike Ashley returns as he tows the party line. It’s worth it though, for a chin rub and a biscuit.
HIS FACE IS UNDENIABLY PUG-LIKE
Look at that face. Case closed.
What does this mean for Newcastle? Who knows. Mike Ashley has done some horrendous things to the club but surely hiring an adorable dog to finish the season for them is up there with the worst. Newcastle fans, what is your take on all of this? Should Carver be given more time? Is he a good boy?
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