Profile of new Manchester United signing Memphis Depay

Manchester United announced yesterday the signing of wunderkind Memphis Depay (pronounced “the pie”) from PSV Eindhoven. The man, who’s much older than those younger than him, has been in blistering form in the Dutch league this year, earning this move in the process.

He’s expected to do well for his new club but all fans out there want is to know him a little better. Any site can bore you with stats, but we’re here to tell you about the man. Here’s our profile of Memphis Depay, from his head to his toes.


FACE

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Memphis has several facial muscles, which he regularly uses to convey his internal emotions. His favourite is “smile”, though he’s been known to unleash “frown” on occasion too. Expect to see him utilise this quality often next season


EYES

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Memphis’ youth coaches credit the player’s vision to his eyes, of which he has two. He is known to keep them closed for up to eight hours a day, so as to rest them for footballing use. It’s not all good news though, he suffers pain when looking directly at the sun.


BODY

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His composition of torso, two arms and two legs is absolutely textbook, and vital for anyone with the intention to become a footballer. His muscular arms narrow towards his wrist, forming hands – one on each arm. His legs are similar to his arms, except they are upside down. They too narrow towards his leg wrists – or ankles – and form the basis of his…


FEET

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These are Memphis’ favourite part of his body. He was quoted recently as saying “I owe it all to them. Without my feet I would’ve struggled to get where I am as a footballer.” He has had his toenails bejewelled since he was a child and has a tattoo of his feet on each foot.


OVERALL IMPRESSION

His is certainly a body if ever we saw one. The tell-tale signs of life are all there and providing he takes care of himself he should expect to live for several decades more. Assuming he keeps his feet, Memphis should have a successful career ahead of him filled with touch, sound, taste and smell.

Now you’ve got all the facts, all you have to do is wait to see the newest Manchester United superstar in action!

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