Manchester United need to go out and spend some money in the summer, we all know that. But you’ll hear a lot of varying opinions on how that money should be spent.
We here at The Banter Narrative thought it would be interesting and original to write up a list of potential United summer purchases.
So here’s our list of buys we think would really do a job for the club next season.
1 – LOTS OF GUNS
Guns are great at stopping people you don’t like from doing what they want to do. While some may disagree with the value of this purchase and say “No, only the bad men use guns”, if football has taught us anything it’s that sometimes you have to be bad men to win. And Louis van Gaal knows this.
Also, Manchester United’s opponents are bad men to someone too. So using guns to stop the bad men is good. Speaking to Sky Sports News about the possibility of this addition to the team, central defender Chris Smalling was unable to hide his excitement. “I really feel like having a collection of guns at our disposal would give us a serious advantage against teams who didn’t have guns.”
2 – SOME SNAKES
Snakes were first used tactically in football during the famous Matthews Final of 1953 between Blackpool and Bolton. As we all now know, shortly after half time, Sir Stanley Matthews set loose over 1500 venomous snakes across the Wembley pitch before running the length of it and scoring the winning goal.
Matthews – the only person with the antidote – went down in history as The Snake Man after his marvellous and entertaining display. United’s manager Louis van Gaal – a huge fan of Matthews – recently spoke to United fans and was quoted as saying, “Give me a bag of snakes and I’ll win you the league.”
3 – SEVERAL HUNDRED PUPPIES
An unusual purchase, some might say, but fans of classic European football will attest to its success after Milan’s triumphant 1950/51 Serie A campaign. Swedish legend and Milan all time top scorer Gunnar Nordahl scored 34 league goals that season and Italian football historians credit at least 28 of the goals to the presence of “several hundred puppies on every pitch Milan played upon at any one time”.
After Premier League winning captain John Terry’s recent admission to BT Sport – “Once I’ve seen at least one puppy, that’s me gone” – it’s understandable that Louis van Gaal and Ed Woodward are seriously considering the investment.
Whether Manchester United will go for one or all of these purchases is as yet unknown. But if they’re serious about returning to their former glory, they might want to. We’ll leave you with this classic Matt Busby quote which we feel says all that needs to be said.
“You can win just about anything with heart, talent, youth and several hundred puppies.”
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