How to make the most of your Steven Gerrard street party

This Steven Gerrard street party, in Indonesia, has been going on for six years.

This Steven Gerrard street party, in Indonesia, has been going on for six years.

The day is finally here and while we’d rather not face up to the fact, it’s Steven Gerrard’s last game at Anfield. Each and every one of us will be celebrating/commiserating in our own unique way but the majority of us will be holding a Gerrard street party with our nearest and dearest.

If you’re a little daunted about holding a Gerrard street party, don’t be. There’s really nothing to it and if you were smart, you can reuse many of the items from your Jamie Carragher street party.

Here are some useful tips for making the most of your Steven Gerrard street party.

1 – TAKE YOUR STEVEN GERRARD TREE DOWN FROM THE ATTIC

As much as we all love our Steven Gerrard trees, we often don’t have many occasions to use them. Thankfully, today is the perfect time. Take it down from the attic, dust it off and attach the various trinkets. If you struggle to find lemons, limes will suffice. Most importantly, don’t forget to top it with your traditional Steven Gerrard figurine.

2 – RENAME ALL YOUR CHILDREN “STEVEN GERRARD”

Even though true fans will have named their children Steven Gerrard from birth, it’s not too late to change their names now. Even if your child is a girl, you should still change their name to Steven out of respect. Then, when anyone is speaking to anyone else, there’ll be beautiful choruses of “Steven Gerrard” ringing around the street. If you don’t have a child, rename your pet or parents Steven Gerrard. Never forget: the more you hear “Steven Gerrard”, the better your street party.

3 – HANG UP YOUR EFFIGIES EARLY

Steven loves effigies. Who can forget the Christmas edition of NOW! Magazine where he gave a glimpse of his home and showcased his beautiful Christmas effigies of himself? Not us! You can go the less flash route and have several small Steven Gerrard effigies, but for a smart touch, ask your friends to each bring one body part. When they arrive you can have great fun assembling it all into one enormous flammable Steven.

4 – ONLY SERVE STEVEN’S FAVOURITE FOODS

We all know Steven has a phobia of gammon and also linseed. So they’re a no-no. Try to make as many dishes out of his favourite foods – dessicated coconut and fizzy cola bottles – as possible. If this isn’t possible, you can make up for it by writing “STEVEN” in red icing on his non-favourite foods.

5 – MAKE SURE TO WEAR YOUR SHAME HATS

Shame hats are a massively important aspect of your Steven Gerrard street party. It shows your devotion to him and your personal shame at being alive at the same time as him. The most important thing about getting your shame hat right is to make sure it has a full size picture of his face on it, this makes it all the more fun when the throwing of love darts takes place.

6 – ARRANGE YOUR SACRIFICE WELL IN ADVANCE

No Steven Gerrard street party is complete without a ritualistic human sacrifice. Make sure you prepare yours well in advance. Arrange several hundred cups for the blood and practice the Steven Gerrard sacrifice song until you’ve perfected it. Though the subject of the sacrifice may resist as the time grows nearer, remember this is perfectly natural.

Now you’re ready for your Steven Gerrard street party, enjoy your day. And if you have any tips for our readers, please feel free to post them in the comment section.

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