What is Jack Wilshere’s best position for Arsenal?

Jack Wilshere, or as he's known, the Imp Boy of Islington.

Jack Wilshere, or as he’s known, the Imp Boy of Islington. (Photo: BBC)

Oh Jack Wilshere. Once the golden boy of  English football who taught Xavi and Iniesta a brief, yet unforgettable lesson, now being kept out of the Arsenal side by a man who played a portion of the season at the lower end of the Championship.

Things haven’t been going too well for the seemingly perennially injured human male, whose love of his children is overshadowed only by his love of cigarettes, shisha pipes and not being around his children. Still though, there’s a talented footballer and person in there somewhere, so we’ve decided to dig deep and examine – what is Jack Wilshere’s best position for Arsenal?

1 – STANDING OUTSIDE HIS FRIEND JOHN’S HOUSE

What Jack doesn't know about leaning against John's house isn't worth knowing.

What Jack doesn’t know about leaning against John’s house isn’t worth knowing.

A position he’s occupied for many a year, and one he’s wholly comfortable in. Wilshere has grown to perfect this role, from the lean against John’s parents’ pebble dash wall – with one foot cheekily against it – to the way he can detect with barely an audible noise when John is about to emerge from the doorway. His record of having not once spat on John’s parents’ driveway is unparalleled, while his customary not too loud call of “Bye Mrs. Chapstow” is textbook.

2 – SITTING ON THE EDGE OF HIS COUCH

Versatility personified.

Versatility personified.

Though generally more accustomed to sitting on the couch itself, Wilshere has taught himself to try out this new role, leaning and sitting with one leg on the edge of his enormous corner couch. The position gives him the option of either completely sitting or moving away from the couch at a second’s notice. It also frees up his hands for any type of remote control or mobile phone activity he may take part in. Another positive is that his couch is so large, he can keep an eye on his children without having to touch them.

3 – HOLDING HIS BUDDY DONNY’S LADDER IN POSITION

Jack often lets his arm hair grow before helping his buddy Donny, knowing it helps detect changes in wind patterns.

Jack often lets his arm hair grow before helping his buddy Donny, knowing it helps detect changes in wind patterns.

Though not as happy or as at home in this type of support role, Wilshere nonetheless does the job. While that unreliable prick Tristan always stares at his phone while doing it, Donny knows Jack will give his total concentration to the role. Though often tempted to climb the ladder after Donny to where the real action is, Wilshere knows the purpose of the role is to keep things steady down below and so rarely strays. The position also offers him the opportunity to look at ladders, which he is fond of doing.

4 – PEEING WHILE SITTING DOWN

Though new to this role, Wilshere has taken to it with aplomb.

Though new to this role, Wilshere has taken to it with aplomb.

A fairly new string to his bow, Wilshere has only discovered the wonders of sitting down while peeing in the last six months. It was often said that his standing up while peeing restricted his movement – Paul Scholes said as much in a scathing critique of the player in 2014 – and he took it on board with his decision to change to a more comfortable sitting role. He can now do any number of things (2) with his hands while emptying his bladder.

5 – WAITING FOR KOKA CURRY NOODLES TO COOK

Need we say any more?

Need we say any more?

Though he also occasionally makes chicken flavoured noodles, Wilshere can never summon up quite the same level of concentration as he has when waiting for curry ones to cook. Never a second too early or late, he affords the noodles the time needed to soak up the toxic curry water, but always takes them off before they stick. Though often known to accidentally spill the contents over himself while eating, you can’t fault his build up play. Well known in noodle circles.

These are just some of Wilshere’s potential positions. Such a talented footballer and man surely is only a matter of decades away from truly perfecting his art. If you can think any we’ve missed out on, please do not let us know.

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