Liverpool ask Danny Ings to undergo carbon dating

Danny Ings celebrating one of his many goals during this season's campaign. (Photo: RTE)

Danny Ings celebrating one of his many goals during this season’s campaign. (Photo: RTE)

Liverpool have demanded striker Danny Ings undergo sophisticated carbon dating, The Banter Narrative can confirm.

Though officially 22, some sources claim the correct number is closer to 47, while other say 53.

Liverpool’s Ian Ayre explained that the club’s use of carbon dating technology stems from their protracted near transfer of Ukrainian international Yevhen Konoplyanka last summer.

The club were on the verge of completing a deal before deciding the player should undergo carbon dating. The results revealed him not to be 25, as previously thought, but actually a 4,000 year old warlock named Kranoo.

“It was a close call with Kranoo. We thought we had a good young player joining us when in fact he would most likely have condemned our entire squad to an eternity of damnation. Though we have a good feeling about Danny, we just want to make sure,” said the chief executive.

Though initially reluctant to speak on the matter, Ings did eventually comment on the allegations. “This is absolutely ridiculous dagnabbit,” said the forward.

TBn has have dug through the archives to discover some previously unseen photos of him.

Possibly the first photo of Ings, from approximately 320 AD.

Possibly the first photo of Ings, from approximately 320 AD.

Ings pictured with the Lancashire Strong Man Association in 1913.

Ings pictured with the Lancashire Strong Man Association in 1913.

Share and follow The Banter Narrative on Twitter here.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.