The world cringes as it emerges John Carver believes he still has a job


The oblivious John Carver is said to believe he’ll still be Newcastle manager next season, according to The Banter Narrative’s sources.

For most sane humans, the writing has been on the wall after nearly single handedly relegating his side before a final day victory. But Carver appears to be certain of his future.

“John has been in buoyant mood, telling everyone about his plans for next season,” said our source. “He’s even been leaving notes in Mike Ashley’s cubby hole – completely unaware that they go straight into a shredder. It’s really quite sad, and a little funny.”

As it stands, it appears Carver is the only person who doesn’t realise he’ll be the manager next season, but according to reports Mike Ashley does have a role in mind for him. He’s said to be considering giving him the position of Newcastle manager on Football Manager 2015, which would involve managing the club, from his home, without pay. It is expected Carver would relish the chance.

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