How to make the time fly by between now and next season

Footie

So the Champions League final is over and with it goes the club football season. It won’t be back in earnest until August and you folks have a lot of minutes to fill. Here’s The Banter Narrative’s guide to making the time fly between now and the coming season.

Talk about football – In fact, make sure every conversation you have is about football. Aside from anything, everyone else loves football as much as you do and they too want to regularly talk about it.

Watch the previous season from the start – Nothing keeps a football mind fresh like more football. On top of this you’ll know the previous season better than anyone else and can get those sweet FAVs on Twitter.

Enter a coma – Time flies when you’re asleep, it flies even quicker when you’re in a deep coma. Try this one by perhaps running against a wall or something similar. But remember, don’t be too rough unless you accidentally…

Die – Time especially flies when you’re dead, some would even say that you not living anymore means that, for you, time doesn’t exist. Great in terms of not having to wait, though perhaps a little too irreversible for some.

Commit a somewhat serious crime – By committing a slightly serious crime you’ll find yourself in prison or at the least doing community service. Try something like shoplifting or vandalism, if it earns you a reputation for being tough – great with the opposite sex – then all the better.

Find an addiction – Getting addicted to something is a great way to forget everything else in your life, including football. Come August, you’ll be more concerned with getting another hit or selling your ass for dimes than catching any game.

Get married – Find a good man or woman, take them out for drinks or to the cinema, meet their parents – or their grandparents if they’re orphaned – and get down on one knee and do the honourable thing. Marry him/her and love him/her with all your heart. Then, when August comes around, simply get a divorce or have your marriage annulled.

Get a pet – Pets are great for keeping you occupied. You’ll have so much excrement to clean during the summer – and so much fun with your cute pet Oliver – that once the football’s back you’ll wonder where the time went. When August comes, leave your pet on the roadside or throw it in the sea.

Do one or all of these things and before you know it the lousy old summer will be a thing of the past.

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