The ultimate guide to the Copa America 2015

CopaAmerica2015

The Copa America is here and boy is it a relief. It’s nearly a week since the Champions League final and we’ve been very close to resorting to leaving the house in search of our serotonin top ups.

As much as we’re looking forward to it, we can’t all be experts on South America’s premier international competition. So, being the helpful souls that we are, here’s our guide with everything you need to know about the Copa America 2015.

TIPS FOR WATCHING

  • Remember, if you watch a match for any longer than 18 minutes without tweeting about it, every dog in South America dies.
  • As per Chilean tradition, each round of matches is played at the same time on the same day, meaning a whopping six games per night for four days before the quarter finals. Get that Sky + hooked up!
  • Every player who doesn’t already play for a European club can be classified as “one to watch”.
  • During half time of each match, there is a live action two hour long telenovela in the centre of the pitch.
  • Jamaica has been relocated to just off the coast of Brazil for the duration of the tournament. Moving the landmass cost approximately $2.7 billion dollars.
  • From the quarter finals onwards, each game that ends as a draw after ninety minutes goes to a penalty shoot out. If that fails to find a winner, another ninety minute match is started.
  • The members of the winning team, aside from gaining continental glory and acclaim, each win a life size model of their greatest fear.

PLAYERS TO WATCH OUT FOR

SALOMON RONDON
Rondon has come a long way. (Photo: FIFA)

Rondon has come a long way. (Photo: FIFA)

The most incredible thing about this Venezuelan goal machine is that less than 26 years ago, he didn’t even exist. He’s overcome incredible struggles like childbirth and puberty to get where he is today and having been unable to walk or talk for the first year of his life has everything to prove. Notoriously scatty, he famously joined Rubin Kazan so he wouldn’t have to remember whether he was playing football for his club or country.

LIONEL MESSI
Messi - the greatest humanoid to ever touch a football.

Messi – the greatest humanoid to ever touch a football.

What can we say about this guy that hasn’t been said already? He’s just incredible. His ability to switch seamlessly from this dimension to parallel alternatives gives him an unpredictable quality that few other footballers possess. Messi is also a staunch right wing Republican who refuses to pay his taxes, recently telling Fox News that he disagrees outright with the concept. “I’m not going to go to the parliament and take their money, what right do they have to take mine?!” 

CARLOS BACCA
Bacca can run as much as he wants, he'll always smell of fish. (Photo: Lachachara.co)

Bacca can run as much as he wants, he’ll always smell of fish. (Photo: Lachachara.co)

Fishboy as his friends call him, Bacca was raised by fish until the age of 14. His life took a cruel twist as he became a fisherman upon leaving his school, killing most of his adoptive family and friends in the process. Cursed by the fish who took him in, Bacca now smells crudely of fish no matter how often he washes himself. He maintains a sunny disposition however, recently speaking to ESPN. “I love fish,” said the Colombian.

Tonight’s six matches all kick off concurrently at 23.00 GMT. Make sure to tweet regularly and above all, enjoy the football!

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