Nicolas Gaitan does not exist, say researchers

Nicolas Gaitan, recently discovered by researchers to not exist.

Nicolas Gaitan, recently discovered by researchers to not exist.

In a shocking revelation explained in great detail today by researchers in Lisbon, it has been revealed that Benfica footballer and Manchester United target Nicolas Gaitan does not exist.

Doctors at the Lisbon Institute for Neurological Studies spent over two years sifting through data, interviewing experts and civilians, watching football and examining Argentine birth certificates and concluded that not only does Gaitan not exist, he never has.

“No one has ever seen him play, nor does anyone know what position he is alleged to play – all people seem to know is that he’s good and that Manchester United are allegedly interested in him,” said Head of Research Guillermo Silva.

Silva added that the assertion by many that they have in fact seen him is merely evidence of the human condition. “Once people hear about something, even if it doesn’t exist, they’d rather say they know about it than admit ignorance – especially football fans.”

Professor Silva described the phenomenon – hereby called the Gaitan Effect – as being similar to a child’s imaginary friend. “When a child is bored or has nothing going on his life, he often creates an imaginary friend to fill the void,” he said. “Gaitan is little more than the imaginary friend of football, conjured up when nothing else is happening.”

Researchers added that the Gaitan Effect will continue for as long as the transfer window exists, and that it’s only a matter of time before he’s joined by another imaginary footballer.

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