Gordon Taylor not sure what he does


Speaking to assembled journalists today, the Professional Footballers’ Association chief executive Gordon Taylor sat silently for 45 minutes, occasionally flicking his jowls with his index finger, before emitting barely audible mumbles as he struggled to explain what he does as part of his job.

Taylor has had to defend himself after it emerged on Wednesday that he currently receives an annual salary of £3.4 million, more than Richard Scudamore and every Premier League club CEO.

After the near hour long silence, during which he asked journalists to bet how long he could hold his breath and balance his pen on his finger, Taylor quietly stated that his job is about more than tasks which can be clearly defined.

“I dunno,” said the former Bolton winger. “I guess I’m a confidante, as I was to Paul Gascoigne when he was a wreck. If you sexually assault someone, I will speak up for you. If you’ve been racially abused, we’ve probably got someone for that too.”

After he was asked what good he has brought to the game during his 34 year tenure, Taylor listed the increase in player wages, the growing size of engines on footballers’ cars as well as the near unmatchable deals footballers can take advantage of using their PFA members cards.

He also added that he couldn’t think of anyone more qualified to deal with growing issues of racism, homophobia, sexism and rape culture in football than a 70 year old white man.

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