5 things to look out for this Premier League opening weekend

(Photo: TV By The Numbers)

(Photo: TV By The Numbers)

The Premier League is back this weekend and we’re not going to lie – we’re a little bit excited. The roar of the crowd, the tingles up your spine, the warm sting down your leg. It’s been too long.

Here’s a few things TBN thinks are worth looking out for this weekend.

YOUR FATHER MIGHT FORGIVE YOU

You know what you did and so does he. But pre-season rumours suggest that your father might just be softening on his previously hard stance. Hold out, he’ll come around.

YOU’LL GROW SEVEN INCHES

Football is back and you’re happy again. This means that your annual growth spurt should kick in around Christmas. If not, fret not, it will come into effect in February at the latest. Also worth remembering, the better your team does the faster it happens.

JIM MIGHT BE THERE

Hey Jim!

Hey Jim!

EVERYONE THAT’S EVER WRONGED YOU WILL PERISH

One of the great things about the return of real football is that, for some reason, everyone who has wronged you during the summer will perish in some way, depending on how they wronged you. Some might burn, some might vanish. Either way, they’re getting their comeuppance.

YOU GET TO CHANGE YOUR LIMBS

Probably the best thing about the return of Premier League football is that you get to change from your dirty old summer limbs back into your season limbs. Sure, they feel a little strange at first and the screws smart a little bit, but before you know they feel perfect.

Who knows what else this weekend will hold in store?

Football is back and you are happy again, you’ve got new limbs, your father might let you back into his life and there’s a good chance you’ll see Jim. Enjoy!

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