Saying that he’d had more fun at funerals, former Manchester United midfielder Roy Keane today berated his family and friends for what he called “second rate” celebrations of his birthday, according to sources at the scene.
Keane is believed to have been surprised by his family this afternoon as they returned home from shopping, where upwards of thirty extended family and friends were awaiting him for a party.
Cracks are said to have appeared in Keane’s façade instantaneously as he spent close to an hour pointing out faults in the preparation and execution of the party while muttering “amateur” to himself.
“If you’re going to do it,” the Republic of Ireland assistant manager said. “You might as well do it right. I’ve no time for parties like this. They’re having a laugh.”
“You can have your fun and all that, yeah? But if you’re including me, it has to be of a better standard. I don’t want to be associated with something like this,” he added.
Sources in attendance claimed that despite their best efforts to calm the former player down, he kept insisting that they “don’t get it and never will”.
Three hours into the event, and while the rest of the guests mingled and talked, Keane continued to systematically pick apart every aspect of the party including the allegedly damp bruschetta, the flat Fanta and the dry sponge cake.
“I could do a better job in my sleep,” continued the former Sunderland manager well into the afternoon. “If they think this is what passes for a top class party, it’s a sad state of affairs.”
At press time, Keane stated that he’d have to reconsider his role within the family if this sort of output was to continue.