Migrant millionaire footballers still “more than welcome”, says Britain


The British government has today sought to ease tensions over its handling and attitude towards migrants by stating that the United Kingdom is still more than happy to welcome migrant millionaire footballers.

“How can we be considered a cruel and callous people when we welcome so many migrant footballers?” said one government official. “These are people who flee the tyranny of European football ownership to live the Premier League dream, and we facilitate them in any way we can.”

The unnamed official referred to the case of a migrant footballer from Madeira who had moved to Manchester 12 years ago and honed his craft, before moving on to become a star in Madrid. “We could have said no to him but we didn’t. Now he is at the top of his profession, and we know he would thank us for our humanity if he had the chance.”

“In the Premier League, we have one of the world’s greatest migrant footballer integration programs and we’re very proud of it,” he added.

He cited the example of a young Chilean who had struggled through Italy and Spain before finding prosperity in London as an example of the integration program’s good work.

The problem, he said, was that so much time is spent processing and watching the migrant millionaire footballers that the government simply doesn’t have the time to process regular migrants’ applications.

At press time, former Mayor of London, Boris Johnson, suggested that if refugees were really serious about coming and living in England, maybe they should consider reaching a high level of skill in professional football.