Supreme Leader Jose Mourinho orders execution of “disloyal” non-playing Chelsea staff


Chelsea’s Supreme Leader and manager Jose Mourinho has ordered the execution of all “disloyal” non-playing Chelsea staff after what he described as an “outrageous” and “falsified” match report on the club’s official website.

The executions, sanctioned by the club’s owner Roman Abramovich, are due to take place at the end of the week as Mourinho seeks to ensure a more closely knit operation at Chelsea against what he calls the influence of “dangerous external forces”.

A statement on the Chelsea website this afternoon confirmed the reports: “The Chelsea Supreme Leader Jose Mourinho feels it would be beneficial to all at this great club of ours to cull some of the bad eggs at Stamford Bridge. This is no time for insolence. Our very existence is being threatened, we will fight on.”

Mourinho was said to have been particularly furious with the club’s official website reporting a 3-0 defeat to Manchester City yesterday, after he had specifically stated that it was a “fake result”.

“It would appear that our enemies from the outside have infiltrated our editorial team,” said Mourinho from the balcony of his office today. “Let it be known, that any and all disloyalty will be treated in the same way as this. If we are to reach the promised land we must stick together. The threat of evil is never far away.”

According to Chelsea’s recently updated historical records, Mourinho is holder of the world record for the best round of golf ever played and can play over 100 musical instruments.

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