At a specially arranged press conference this morning, leading literary figures have appealed to Liverpool manager Brendan Rodgers for the safe return of the word “outstanding”.
The word, whose origin goes back over 500 years, has been in the possession of the Liverpool manager for quite some time, said a spokesperson, without much need for concern.
Recently however Rodgers has been criticised for publicly and blatantly abusing the word, sometimes as often as five or six times per sentence, with some labelling the Northern Irishman a “sicko” and a “shark faced twat”.
Speaking to the assembled media, owner of Encyclopedia Britannica, Jacqui Safra, expressed his concern over the safety of the beloved word. “It’s one of our favourites,” said Safra. “So at first we were very happy about it getting the exposure in the Premier League.”
“But to see the way that man has manipulated it, it’s abhorrent. We barely recognise it anymore. It’s not the word we once knew.”
Safra was joined at the press conference by American novelist Jonathan Franzen, who attempted in vain to hide his emotions.
“Firstly, I’d like to thank the public for their support during this difficult time. I’ve known this beautiful word for over 50 years and it breaks my heart to see it brutalised like this. I mean, some of those games last season, how could they be outstanding?! I mean, it’s ju…” said the novelist before breaking down.
Before the press conference ended, an increasingly upset Safra appealed directly to Brendan Rodgers, in the hope he may be watching. “Brendan, if you are out there, please listen. We know you love the word as much as us. But if you really care about it you’ll return it to us. You know it’s best, deep down. This isn’t right…”
At press time, authorities have stated that should Mr. Rodgers safely return the word before midnight, they will not pursue formal charges.
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