Premier League offers up latest human sacrifice to football gods in thanks for good start to season

Sacrifice

Saying that these sort of things cannot be left to chance, Premier League executives offered up yet another human sacrifice this week, hoping the fleshy gift would appease the football gods and thank them for the gifts they have bestowed.

“It’s earlier than usual this year,” said Premier League chief executive Richard Scudamore while sharpening his sacrifice knife. “But the gods are vengeful and they must be thanked.”

Scudamore confirmed that this year’s offering was earlier than usual due to the league’s refusal to offer even one human sacrifice last season.

“We decided to go with a change of tact,” confirmed the cloaked administrator as he put the finishing touches to the adornments on the EA Sports Sacrificial Altar. “We offered goats, pigs, a veritable smorgasbord of animal sacrifices.”

“The gods’ unhappiness was laid bare in the lack of excitement offered up last year. It was an awful mistake,” he added, before describing in brutal detail the retribution taken by the gods elsewhere.

“They are generous and always afford us plenty, we should have known better and those mascots no doubt deserved to perish.”

Having drank the blood of their latest offering and condemned his ripped out heart to the pit of eternal fire, Scudamore and his fellow disciples were honoured by the gods in the form of several potentially lucrative licencing deals in south east Asia.

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