Premier League increases imports of schadenfreude in event of continuation of poor Chelsea start


Citing that the current supply simply isn’t sufficient under current circumstances, Premier League chief executive Richard Scudamore has confirmed today that the organisation has ordered for a 200% increase of imported schadenfreude in the event of a continuation of holders Chelsea’s poor start to the league campaign.

Jose Mourinho’s side sit in 17th place in the league table, with just four points, having already lost as many games (three) as they did in the whole of the last campaign. Their start to the season is something that has severely depleted the league’s plentiful supply of schadenfreude, said Scudamore today.

“We thought we had seen peak schadenfreude demand in David Moyes’ season at Old Trafford,” said the administrator. “As a result we made sure we had a surplus stockpile in the event of something similar. This however has totally taken us by surprise.”

Scudamore intimated that while there was an increase in demand for schadenfreude during Moyes’ reign, it was mostly levelled at Manchester United and their fans, but that Chelsea’s current situation has given people pleasure not only in the club’s and fans’ misfortunes, but especially in those of manager Jose Mourinho, who is disliked by many.

The league would do all it could to ensure the arrival of “shitloads of the stuff” before Saturday morning, confirmed Scudamore.

At press time Scudamore had confirmed that the majority of orders of this latest batch of schadenfreude had been from an unknown office in Arsenal’s Emirates stadium.

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