Glazer siblings extract further dividends from Man Utd in latest attempt to distract from brother Avram’s hair


Saying that they wish they didn’t have to do it again, the Glazer siblings – majority shareholders of Manchester United – have once again extracted dividends from the club in a desperate bid to distract fans and media alike from their brother Avram’s hair.

The Glazers have been unpopular from the minute their father bought the club in one of numerous attempts to distract the public’s eyes from what he called his “family’s shame” in the form of Avram’s bald head with ponytail.

Speaking today, a source at the club said that every unpopular decision the family has made since has been a reluctant move to deflect attention from that “shame”.

“It breaks their hearts to do this, it really does,” stated the source. “But Avram’s extremely insecure about his truly awful hair.”

The source revealed that father Malcolm’s first action to distract from what he also referred to as “the unholy follicles” was the family’s acquisition of NFL team the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

“Malcolm never had any interest in sport at all but such was Avram’s anxiety about his hairdo that his father relented and purchased the franchise. That was then followed by Manchester United,” added the source.

At press time the siblings were close to distraught at the fact that Avram’s upcoming birthday would most likely lead to more reluctant distraction measures, possibly in the form of a ticket price hike.