British government gives ISIS the go-ahead to take out Paddy Power

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Saying that they’re literally more trouble than their worth, the British government today officially gave terrorist organisation Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (ISIS) the go-ahead to take out betting firm Paddy Power “if they so wish”.

In an unprecedented move, Home Secretary Theresa May confirmed that an emergency COBRA meeting had been called to discuss how to deal with what she described as “a serious threat to the world at large”.

“Paddy Power is a dangerous and ignorant organisation,” said the former MP for Maidenhead in a press conference this evening. “They’re nothing but strife for us and are making our citizens dumber and less tolerant by the day with their crude and abhorrent ad campaigns.”

May added that while ISIS were “no great shakes themselves” it was simply a case of “the lesser of two evils”.

“We’re going to, for this very short time period, allow Islamic State to have carte blanche when it comes to Paddy Power’s operations here in the United Kingdom. Surely, from their perspective, nothing represents a more clear sign of the perils of capitalism,” added the former Bank of England advisor.

“Once they have done their business with Paddy Power, planes will be on hand to bring them back from whence they came,” said May, adding that ISIS are yet to respond to their offer.

At press time, May expressed worry that the common ground shared by both ISIS and Paddy Power in terms of their views on women could potentially lead to a “hideous amalgamation” of the two, but was determined to push on regardless.

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