Everyone talking out their arse about football, study finds


Every single person on earth is talking out their arse about football, this is according to the potentially groundbreaking results of a study conducted by a group of anthropologists at John Hopkins University in the United States.

Spending years watching, reading and listening to the football discussions of millions of fans, journalists and pundits the world over, the expert group discovered that not one of them actually knows what they are talking about.

“We were shocked by the results,” said Dr. Hillary McGrath, lead researcher of the study entitled Bluffing Sport. “No one knows anything about football. Not one human being anywhere.”

“There’s an in-built assumption that someone must know something about this game but every test we’ve run disproves the theory almost entirely.”

McGrath said that her team had spent time all around the world and had dedicated a sub-division to monitoring internet conversations on football.

“From the highest paid journalists with spectacular educations to the lowliest Twitter user with fifty followers, everyone is talking shit,” she confirmed.

The environment in which these opinions are allowed to exist, McGrath added, is a delicate one, based purely on each subject’s assumption that the person they’re speaking to is not in fact clueless.

Such is the fragility of this “opinion ecosystem”, the report concludes, that for the sake of the sport and the wider world it is better to let the participants live out their lives just as they currently do, in blissful ignorance.

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