Richard Scudamore to continue standing here hoping no one mentions the refugee crisis


Saying that he’d rather talk about “literally anything”, Premier League chief executive Richard Scudamore vowed today to stay in his current position on the periphery of a business executives party in the hope that no one one would mention the ongoing refugee crisis.

Swaying nervously from side to side and whistling to himself, Scudamore was said to be “visibly uncomfortable” as he overheard the majority of conversations at a cocktail party arranged by the Leaders of Enterprise group were centred around the topic of the humanitarian crisis taking place in Syria and Iraq.

“Christ, I’m not prepared for this,” said the administrator. “I thought they might talk about the Rugby World Cup or something.”

“There are people here who have actually donated real, honest to God money to those migrants. What am I supposed to say to them?!” added an increasingly nervous Scudamore.

As many organisations around Europe have stepped up to help those in need, the Premier League has come in for scrutiny for its lack of action on the issue, something Scudamore was all too aware of at the event.

“Crap, maybe we should’ve at least made banners or something,” pondered the 56 year old while frantically trying to remember where the refugees in question hail from, eventually settling on “the bad place”.

Eventually Scudamore achieved a degree of calm after deciding to tell anyone who asked that he would be donating old Premier League jerseys to those in need, something he described as “the best [he] could think of at short notice”.

At press time, Scudamore was again avoiding all eye contact while praying quietly to himself that no one asked his opinion on Eva Carneiro’s legal action against Chelsea.

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