FIFA plan “one last bribe” to evade FBI


Saying that if they’re going to go out they want to do it on their own terms, Sepp Blatter and former FIFA right hand man Jerome Valcke have begun assembling a “crack team” of former executives for one last major bribe, according to sources close to football’s governing body.

Droves of former FIFA executive committee members are said to have arrived in the early hours of Saturday morning as they, led by Blatter, put together the final touches for their “one last bribe”.

“This would be the bribe to end all bribes,” said a source who wished to remain anonymous. “Herr Blatter has been staying late for weeks now, each day more and more of the old gang arrive.”

The source claimed that FIFA’s current and former members are adamant that a bribe is the only way to evade the clutches of the FBI and US Attorney General Loretta Lynch, with Blatter even calling upon 99 year old former FIFA president Joao Havelange to help in an advisory role.

“Lynch will be a tough nut to crack, for sure,” added the source. “But these are quite simply the most corrupt and malevolent men to ever sit on a board in history, especially Joao. If we can’t achieve this, no one can.”

At press time, the group were down a member after Argentine Hugo Jinkis abandoned the plan claiming he was “too old for this shit”.

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