Saying that it is “truly mankind’s final frontier”, NASA scientists today announced the launch of an exploratory mission into the mind of former footballer and BBC pundit Garth Crooks.
Crooks’ mind has long been considered one of the world’s greatest mysteries, with the workings of it perplexing scientists and football fans the world over. This latest expedition, NASA says, will attempt to uncover some of the secrets that lay inside.
“This is truly uncharted territory for mankind,” said the mission’s chief Lara Wachowski this afternoon. “Despite years of external analysis we know less about Garth Crooks’ mind than we do about the sea, or even the outer reaches of the universe.”
Touted for years, and under planning for the best part of a decade, the mission will look to take samples in what Trent Perrotto described as a landscape “utterly unrecognisable” to any living being in the hope that it may give the world a better understanding of quite what is going on in the head of the former Tottenham Hotspur and West Bromwich Albion player.
“This is an area of land in which both the conventional and unconventional earthly laws of gravity, time, shape, right and wrong don’t dare exist. Early tests indicate that up is down there, and two plus two equals 6,457,” said Perrotto to a group of specially invited media, before tearfully adding how honoured he was to be a part of the team.
Perrotto added that the mission will also attempt to find meanings for the strange patterns and formations glimpsed during preliminary studies of the pundit’s mind.
If successful, NASA revealed that the team’s next mission would be to investigate the arid, mystical and allegedly vacuous landscape of Jamie Redknapp’s brain.