Wayne Rooney to embark on new goal drought in bid to hide growing list of deficiencies in game


Having scored last weekend after nearly one thousand minutes of Premier League game time without a goal, Manchester United striker Wayne Rooney is set to embark on another goal drought as he attempts to hide the growing number of deficiencies in his overall game.

Speaking to the club’s in house media team, the United and England captain revealed that while he was happy to score against Sunderland, the end to his goal drought only brings more scrutiny on his wider game.

“It’s always nice to score, so I was pleased,” said the 29 year old. “But logistically speaking, my game is down to its bare bones. I simply can’t afford to open myself up to that sort of inevitable examination.”

Citing his decreasing pace, lack of a first touch and a near total inability to impact games, Rooney admitted that he’d much rather have fans discussing his lack of goals than the “ever growing” list of alternate issues entering into his football at present.

“At this stage in my career I couldn’t be arsed dealing with it,” he added. “The stress of having the fans justifiably pick apart my ever decreasing talent wouldn’t be worth it. It just makes more sense all around.”

Rooney added that should the goal drought not suffice, he would consider removing his hair plugs to draw attention away from his waning influence on the pitch.

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