Mourinho complaints to Premier League backed unanimously by voices in head


According to sources close to all parties, Jose Mourinho’s comments yesterday in the wake of Chelsea’s defeat to Southampton, in which he blamed referees for being afraid to make decisions against his side, have been unanimously backed by each and every one of the voices in his head.

Mourinho was visibly outraged after the home side’s 3-1 defeat to Ronald Koeman’s Southampton side as he blamed both his players and Premier League referees, drawing ridicule from fans and pundits alike for his behaviour.

Despite this, Mourinho has received timely support today after it emerged that every one of the forty three voices in his head agree “vociferously” with the Portuguese coach, confirmed in a joint statement this morning.

“We stand by our manager, the leader of our collective brain,” stated the Devoted One. “He knows all and sees all. How dare anyone question his word?! Praise Jose and bow down to his will.”

While the voices were in agreement in their support for the former Real Madrid coach, some called for a softer, less tribal approach.

“I totally agree with Jose, our supreme leader and father of our fathers and sons’ fathers and children,” stated a voice who asked to be called the Diplomatic One. “But a more pragmatic approach, where the different parties sit and talk and eventually agree that Jose is right, might be the way forward.”

While Chelsea wait to hear whether Mourinho faces reprimand for his comments, a voice referred to as the Angry One called for all referees to attend a hearing with the manager, so that he may hand down “brutal and swift justice”.