FIFA search for “untainted” Blatter successor settles on child not yet born


Explaining that they’d exhausted all other avenues, FIFA executives confirmed today that their search for what they call an “untainted” successor for Sepp Blatter was over after the organisation settled on a male child not yet born.

Senior figures at the Swiss-based governing body were quick to act after president Sepp Blatter was suspended by the ethics committee, sparing no expense in search of a successor who might change the overwhelmingly negative public perception brought on by decades of alleged corruption.

After an extensive search encompassing each of the earth’s continents, the non-profit organisation has announced that it has chosen a 35 week old foetus as its new president, effective immediately after a private vote this afternoon.

“We couldn’t take any chances with our next appointment,” admitted a source who wished to remain anonymous. “The whole of FIFA is very excited with the new and transparent direction this young man is set to take us in.”

“Based on our criteria of only selecting those without a history of corruption, we quickly realised there was not a single person already born that was suitable for the role,” added the source.

Known affectionately as “Baby” by his parents, the incumbent president is said to have announced his decision to accept FIFA’s offer with a sturdy kick to the wall of his mother’s womb early in the morning of October the 12th.

“He’s exactly the sort of candidate this organisation needs,” said Greg Dyke. “As far as I’m aware his record checks out and by all accounts he’s set to be a very good boy, with merely his mother’s morning sickness a slight blot on his record.”

Football associations around the world almost universally welcomed the decision, with the only exception being the FAI’s John Delaney, who said question marks must be raised over alleged gifts given to the boy and his parents in the days leading up to his birth.

Share and follow The Banter Narrative on Twitter.