Scientists announce breakthrough in search for mankind’s elusive “missing link”


Describing it as potentially the biggest scientific breakthrough of all time, scientists at New York’s Stony Brook University have announced today that they have found what they believe to be the elusive “missing link” in human evolution.

Experts at the facility, working alongside London-based colleagues, made the announcement having studied a large group of mostly males in an area of north London for well over a year, they stated.

The discovery, which scientists have dubbed “Homogunnerus”, goes against previous assumptions that the “missing link” either never existed or is long extinct, and has been welcomed by the scientific community.

Despite looking almost exactly like humans, their behaviour sets them apart, say researchers.

“When you look them in the eye they’ll look right through you like you’re not there,” said Dr. Schmitt Walters. “That is until you utter the word ‘Arsenal’ and they lose control of facilities and are unable to stop speaking until nightfall.”

Like most tribal peoples, Walters continued, they are ritualistic and short tempered. And despite a propensity to scream for hours on end they remain eerily comfortable in front of a camera.

The mystical creatures are said to be seen every second weekend outside of Arsenal’s Emirates stadium, though scientists have preached caution, saying “almost all who come into contact with them regret it”.

At press time, researchers revealed that a recent and near identical discovery across the city at Stamford Bridge may yet shine more light on one of mankind’s greatest mysteries.

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