Describing themselves as both disappointed and mildly impressed, Manchester United revealed today that captain Wayne Rooney somehow found his way back to the club’s stadium mere hours after being left on the side of a motorway by manager Louis van Gaal.
Rooney, captain since before the Dutchman came to the club, has underperformed this season to date. Despite pressure from fans, van Gaal insisted on keeping faith in him, though today’s news suggests that has changed.
“Louis felt it best that we deal with Wayne’s situation as quickly and painlessly as possible. That’s why he left him on the side of a motorway,” said a club source, adding that it had become too painful for club employees to watch their once youthful player reduced to a lumbering oaf.
While the club have apologised for what has been described as a “heinous act”, they have stated that they simply cannot afford to carry the player any longer.
“He’s just not what he used to be. He used to bound around all day and was the picture of energy. Now he sleeps all day after one long pass,” continued the source. “Judging by his passing his vision is failing too which is sad to see.”
“He’s a real scamp and a good boy but we just don’t have room for him here.”
Quite how the captain made his way back is unknown, but staff claim that he was soaking wet and covered in paint when he was spotted scratching a window before someone opened the door for him.
News of the incident has led to an outpouring of sympathy and support, with many offers to take him in, including an extremely elderly woman based in Salford and a number of Premier League teams.
The club have however warned any interested parties that while the striker is mostly jovial, he is prone to unwarranted and wild demands.
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