Raymond Verheijen blames “incompetent and prehistoric training methods” for Syrian crisis


Breaking his silence on the issue, fitness coach Raymond Verheijen has today blamed the ongoing crisis in Syria on football’s failure to adopt modern training techniques, rendering itself “trapped in the dark ages”.

Saying that he was surprised it took this long to happen, Verheijen claimed that he foresaw the tumultuous security situation occurring in the region years ago due to football’s “inherently ignorant attitude” towards change.

“This sort of thing was a long time coming, and hostilities and violence in this volatile area of the world will not end until football, and English football in particular, accepts that it must change the way it approaches the training of its players,” said the Dutchman, adding that Sunni and Shiite differences have no chance of ever being resolved until Arsene Wenger and his fellow managers admit their methods are contributing to players’ injuries.

“It’s an appalling situation and one that is sad to watch but ISIS will never be stopped unless English football begins taking muscle injuries seriously. Players are consistently over exerted and it’s injuring and killing thousands all over this war torn area.”

Verheijen insisted that any hopes for a resolution would have to be put to one side until English football’s archaic and parochial “dinosaurs” realise the risk to which they’re subjecting their players and the people of Syria.

At press time, Verheijen revealed that his offer to UN chief Ban Ki-moon to hold educational seminars on how avoiding muscle fibre tears can lead to long, stable peace has yet to receive a response.