Sam Allardyce to begin process of defrosting Kevin Nolan


Sam Allardyce has today announced his intention to begin the process of defrosting Kevin Nolan with the intention of including the midfielder in his squad.

Speaking from his large wooden shed in which Nolan has been stored since August, Allardyce expressed his optimism that his former captain at Bolton and West Ham would be able to do a job for him this season.

“The lad will be fresh as a daisy when we get him thawed out, I’m sure of it. That’s the great thing about having a freezer this size – if you don’t want to use someone straight away you can bung him in there and he’s good as new when you take him out,” said Allardyce, before screaming at his assistants to be careful with the completely frozen and slightly cracking 34-year-old.

“Of course, he’s not gonna be quite as good as before we froze him – nothing is – but you’ll barely be able to tell the difference.”

At press time, Allardyce had placed Nolan in an enormous plastic bowl full of water and placed him in his sink.