Russia hits back at doping claims, insists Alan Dzagoev has always been 6’5″, 18 stone

Russia has hit back at allegations of “unprecedented” doping within all of the country’s sports today, stating that the forward Alan Dzagoev has always been 6 foot 5 inches tall and weighed 18 stone.

The photos of the CSKA Moscow star has increased scrutiny onto Russian football on the day that the country’s athletics and anti-doping organisations have once again been accused of systematic doping in the country, but the Russian FA have denied any such allegations aimed at the country’s football authorities.

“Alan is a wonderful athlete and has always been an enormous man who terrifies us all,” said Vitaly Mutko, adding that while Dzagoev may have put on a touch of weight recently, he’s still the twitching, over-aggressive but totally clean behemoth he was when he first burst onto the scene.

When asked to comment, Dzagoev is said to have screamed loudly before ripping the heads off of a number of reporters.

Mutko, who is also sports minister and organiser of the 2018 World Cup in Russia, added that while he was explaining things, CSKA centre back Vaseli Berezutski has also always been to able to run 100 metres in 9.90 seconds.