Twisted maniac footballer enjoys clothes, life

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Twisted psychopath footballer Memphis Depay enjoys clothes and life, according to sources close to the youngster.

Allegations in recent weeks that the monstrous Dutchman takes pleasure from the purchasing and wearing of expensive clothes and the eating of expensive food were found to be true after an in depth investigation by several Dutch media outlets.

“It’s hideous. He likes to go out to stores and spend the money he has earned on all kinds of debauched things,” said a report, adding that the former PSV player apparently exchanges currency for goods and services in what has been described as “disturbing self gratification”.

Sources close to the player’s club, Manchester United, have revealed that Memphis has angered teammates by wearing sunglasses inside, leaving colleagues curious as to who, if anyone, he is looking at. He is believed to be the first person in the history of football to do so.

At press time, senior figures in the Dutch media have suggested that the only way that this sick oddball can now salvage his career and life is to live a life of desolate hermitage, appearing only weekly for matches.

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