Liverpool to harvest Joe Allen body parts to aid Sturridge recovery 

Liverpool have announced plans to harvest the body parts and, if necessary, the organs of midfielder Joe Allen in a bid to aid the recovery of striker Daniel Sturridge.

Former Manchester City man Sturridge is currently out injured after yet another muscle strain, leading his manager Jurgen Klopp to consider the procedure which he says solves both problems of Sturridge’s fitness and Allen wanting more time on the pitch.

“Daniel’s situation is very tough. He’s a wonderful player who just can’t stay fit. Joe, meanwhile, has some tip-top muscles that are being simply wasted. This solution is really the best for all parties involved,” said the former Dortmund coach, adding that similar procedures are carried daily in German football.

“We’ll start with Jon’s hamstrings and go from there. We’ve also given Daniel a little catalogue in case any other part of Joe’s anatomy takes his fancy. We really think Joe can make a magnificent contribution this campaign.”

At press time, the first transplant procedure was said to have been made significantly easier by the discovery that Sturridge’s legs were in fact hollow.

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