“99 percent” of UEFA work day spent fucking with Arsenal, insider admits

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“We don’t really know why we even do it anymore,” admitted a UEFA source.

As much as 99 percent of work time at UEFA is now spent fucking with Arsenal’s Champions League draw, according to sources at European football governing body.

Speaking under the condition of anonymity, one member of UEFA staff revealed that after spending the first ten minutes of the day responding to sponsors, he and his entire department were assigned with ensuring Arsenal get drawn against one of the tournament’s best teams.

“It’s been like this for as long as I can remember. I clock in, have a coffee, reply to emails and then I’m straight at it – tampering with anything and everything which may leave Arsenal with the chance of getting a good draw,” said the official, adding that though he feared he would get bored of the practice, it actually gets funnier every year.

“We don’t really know why we even do it anymore. But right now, it’s literally the organisation’s raison d’etre. We don’t do anything else.”

The source revealed that Monday’s tampering was made even sweeter by the brief joy felt by Arsenal fans upon qualifying for the round of sixteen last week.