Jose Mourinho welcomes time off to be paranoid and delusional weirdo in personal life


With the news of his sacking from Chelsea emerging this afternoon, Jose Mourinho has welcomed the opportunity to have time off to be a paranoid and delusional weirdo in his personal life for a while. 

Mourinho had been under increasing pressure at Stamford Bridge, with his sacking considered inevitable by many. But rather than be downhearted over his fate, the Portuguese coach has expressed excitement at having the time to unwind and expose his family to the sort of mental torture and abuse usually reserved for his players. 

“I see it as a blessing. When you’re a Premier League manager it’s all consuming, so I often found it hard to find time to subject my loved ones to allegations of betrayal. It’s something I’m eager to make up for now,” said the former Real Madrid manager, adding that he couldn’t even remember the last time he had psychologically damaged his children. 

“These moments are always a great time to step back, take stock and realise who the people in your life worth absconding regularly actually are.”

At press time, Mourinho revealed his first plan of action having left Chelsea was to sit down and have a glass of wine with his wife, before potentially accusing her of cheating on him.

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