Slowly wiping the cobwebs from his eyes and cracking his stiff neck, Jorge Mendes is said to have awoken today from his months-long slumber to get to work during the transfer window.
The football agent is believed to have been in a deep, near comatose sleep since the end of the last transfer window, comfortably resting in a crypt 100 metres beneath his Lisbon mansion.
Describing the scene as he emerged from his catacomb, sources close to the Portuguese national insist he had not been disturbed and was only awoken due to an insatiable thirst for commission.
“Mr. Mendes may need a little time to gather himself. Generally he is fully mobile and able to stand up straight after a few hours,” admitted an assistant, adding that an initially dishevelled Mendes had grown visibly taller and stronger after a number of short phone conversations and conference calls.
“While his thirst is temporarily appeased, Jorge will require much more concrete and substantial sustenance soon if he is to return to his dark retreat at the end of the month fully restored.”
At press time, Mendes was said to have regained near total strength after requesting and drinking a tall glass of virgin’s blood while signing off on a number of minor third party contract agreements.
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