Bewildered Manchester United chairman Ed Woodward shocked to discover defeats in football are bad 


Manchester United’s bewildered executive vice chairman Ed Woodward was said to be in a state of shock today after discovering that defeats in football are not a good thing.

Woodward is reported to be reconsidering manager Louis van Gaal’s offer to resign from his post after the startling realisation this morning, according to sources at the club.

“Ed’s really shaken up over this. At first he had no idea why Louis wanted to resign and was happy that he had made him reconsider,” said an unnamed insider, adding that until now Woodward couldn’t understand fans’ unhappiness given the club’s healthy financial performances.

“This has really compromised his confidence in the manager, after initially being  delighted with the club’s rise to third place in football’s rich list.”

At press time, Woodward was said to be frantically analysing the Premier League table after discovering that three points are awarded for a win.