Weeping, emaciated Gunnersaurus begs passersby to put him out of his misery


Wailing and shivering as he slowly crawled down the steps in front of the Emirates stadium, a weeping and emaciated Gunnersaurus was today said to be pleading with passersby to put him out of his misery.

Locals say the Arsenal mascot emerged from the stadium trembling and noticeably faded at lunchtime, intermittently chasing and begging at the feet of people taking photographs and walking to work.

“Every year. Year after year it’s the same. I can’t take it any more,” the prehistoric theropod was heard screaming to a family walking past, before reportedly clawing desperately at the feet of nervous bystanders while screaming in what was described as a “harrowing” tone.

“Please, don’t leave me here. Time passes so slowly and nothing changes. Every day, every minute is unaltered. Kill me. Smash me to bits,” he’s said to have added before telling disbelieving witnesses that he had watched his entire family perish and simply wanted to return to them.

Briefly resting after being chased by police, the 50 million year old beast returned to the busy walkway, urging an American tour group to at least take him with him, offering to be their “fuck pig” in exchange.

“It was very sad. This poor guy just seemed lost. God knows what horrible things he’s seen over the years. He looked beyond hope,” said visiting fan Jemima Reynard.

At press time, the giant green monster had fallen asleep after unsuccessfully bashing his head with a rock.

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