Premier League announces 500% increase in meaningless platitudes


Welcoming the results as a “real cherry on top” for what has already been a great year, the Premier League today announced a 500 percent year-on-year increase in meaningless platitudes.

Describing how it had been “all hands on deck” for the season but that “anything worth doing is never easy”, a statement revealed that the increase was testament to all the hard work its employees had been putting in day in, day out.

“You can never be certain how these things will go – all you can do is work hard and hope – but we’re delighted with the result,” said chief executive Richard Scudamore today, before crediting the increase with players sticking to their guns and never knowing when to give up

Despite the encouraging data, Scudamore insisted that the league would not rest on its laurels and that whatever doesn’t kill it would only make it stronger.

“Let one thing be known; we’ll not take anything for granted. There’s always room to improve and we’ll look to do that, all hands to the pump.”

At press time, Scudamore also announced a 120 million percent increase in hyperbole, describing it as the “greatest news they’ve ever had the honour of announcing”.

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