Alan Pardew nostalgically recalls time when he could blame Mike Ashley for everything

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Wistfully remembering how simpler life used to be, sources today revealed that Alan Pardew spent a large portion of his afternoon nostalgically recalling a time in his life when he could blame Mike Ashley for everything.

Pardew’s side are without a win in 2016, leaving the manager, who has been backed by his Selhurst Park bosses during his entire time at the club, to fondly recall his work at Newcastle being disrupted at every turn by Ashley.

“God it used to be so fucking easy. I never thought I’d miss the bastard,” said Pardew, adding that he was still adjusting to claiming total responsibility for his team’s flaws as well as qualities.

“Back then, after we lost I’d just have to shrug my shoulders and people would think ‘Poor guy, his hands are tied’. But now I have nothing. I guess you really don’t know what you’ve got ’til it’s gone.”

At press time, Pardew revealed that he was currently dividing his time between coaching his team to improve performances and devising excuses to explain said performances.

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