Demonic spirit living beneath St. James’ Park prepares to feast on another soul

SJP

Licking his lips hungrily and rubbing his hands in glee, the malevolent demon who resides under Newcastle United’s St. James’ Park was said to be readying himself to feast on yet another soul on Saturday afternoon.

The club remain in the bottom three of the table after yet another disappointing result, a circumstance which is believed to have awoken the ancient demonic spirit which has been living under the stadium for the past twenty years.

“Soon will be time to feast. Yet again I will be provided with a plentiful bounty of human suffering and discontent,” said the evil being, before thanking Mike Ashley for making his feedings more hate-filled and regular during his time at the club.

“My insatiable thirst will never cease.”

At press time the demon revealed that all resistance is futile and that he will continue to devour all joy emanating from his surroundings for millennia to come or until Ashley sells the club.

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