Subbing full-backs only thing that makes me feel alive anymore, admits van Gaal

Describing the practice as “a thrill like nothing ever felt before or since”, Louis van Gaal today admitted that subbing full-backs is the only thing that makes him feel alive anymore.

Speaking after his side’s victory over Everton, the Manchester United manager revealed that throughout his entire life he has struggled to match the rush that accompanies taking off a full-back and replacing him with another.

“A few extra goals would’ve been nice but I really just need my fix. Honestly I don’t know what I would have done if I couldn’t have brought on Timothy. Of course, one hit’s never enough so Tony had to come on too,” said the visibly shaking and exhilarated coach, adding that his attempts to quench his thirst by subbing holding midfielders had been unsuccessful.

“It’s not a problem, though. I can stop any time I want. And really, when you think about it, it’s not hurting anyone except United fans.”

At press time, van Gaal had reportedly raised eyebrows among squad members after ordering full-backs Matteo Darmian and Marcos Rojo to switch places in the stadium car park.

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