99 percent of footballers “not that kind of player”, report finds 


Describing the results as proof of the good-natured intentions of nearly all involved in the game, a new report conducted by researchers at London University has found that 99 percent of all professional footballers are “not that kind of player”.

“We knew there would be fairly high numbers but this is beyond our expectations. It’s great to know the game is being played by such virtuous people,” said lead researcher Dr. Kate Baxter, adding that the report also discovered that as many as 98 percent of players don’t have it in their make up to commit serious and intentional breaches of rules.

“It’s just great that we were able to get such honest responses to our survey questions. We’ve long suspected it but now we have indisputable proof that not only do the majority of footballers choose to not cheat, they find it physically and mentally impossible to do so.”

Baxter added that while results suggested wholesale honesty among players, the report found as many as 87 percent of referees to be “spiteful bastards” who “know nothing about the game”.

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