Ed Woodward accidentally burns down home after trying to conduct transfer without Jorge Mendes

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Saying that he really hadn’t seen the harm in trying to do it himself, firefighters were called to the home of Ed Woodward last night after the Manchester United executive vice-chairman accidentally burned down his home while trying to conduct a transfer without Jorge Mendes.

“Oh God, I really thought I was doing good. All I did was pick up the phone and send a few faxes and then everything got bad real quickly. Christ, I’ll never doubt Jorge again,” said the 44-year-old, adding that everything had been going well until he placed his phone in the oven after getting spooked by a text message from the Portuguese football agent.

“Jorge makes it looks so frickin’ easy. How could I have been so naive? Stick to what you know you dumbass.”

At press time, Woodward had been rushed to hospital after accidentally slicing two fingers off while trying to negotiate the salary of a potential new signing.