Describing the scene of destruction that had just unfolded, police today confirmed that hundreds of people have been killed after clashes between “Wenger In” and “Wenger Out” protesters.
Speaking to media as emergency staff attempted to clean the blood and flesh away from the steps of the Emirates Stadium, police spokesperson Liz Randall revealed that the row had been triggered over a disagreement on how much profit Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger made during the 2004/05 season.
“The already toxic atmosphere ratcheted up a few notches after the disagreement as members of the Arsenal Fan TV team began to systematically target those that feel Wenger deserves more time given his history at the club,” said Randall, adding that Gooner Claude was last seen running while carrying the head of a fellow fan under his arm.
“Sadly, it all appeared to be dying down until a small explosive device with the words ‘Heavy D’ written on it went off, and that’s really brought the death toll up.”
Police later revealed that fresh skirmishes had broken out over fans’ failure to agree on the exact number of people that had been savaged.
At press time, Arsene Wenger released a statement offering his sympathies to all those that ever had the displeasure of knowing those involved, and expressed his disappointment that more hadn’t perished.